知觉

仿佛身体不再存在。唯一的知觉就是知觉本身，像是一块撒开摊平的薄膜，浮在凌晨漂着迷雾泛着泡沫的冰冷湖面，在一腔淡紫又银乳色的空气中间无声无息地游荡。大约二三十分钟，才逐渐地有四肢的感觉传送到中枢神经，各部位终于重新连接。那块薄膜又缓缓升起并逐渐收缩固结，恢复原先的三维状态。

The Space In Between

“Everything around me is evaporating. My whole life, my memories, my imagination and its contents, my personality - it's all evaporating. I continuously feel that I was someone else, that I felt something else, that I thought something else.”  

“I never had anyone I could call “Master”. No Christ died for me. No Buddha showed me the right path. In the depths of my dreams no Apollo or Athena appeared to me to enlighten my soul”

“What is there to confess that’s worthwhile or useful? What has happened to us has happened to everyone or only to us; if to everyone, then it’s no novelty, and if only to us, then it won’t be understood. ”

"I’m beginning to know myself. I don’t exist. I’m the space between what I’d like to be and what others made of me. Just let me be at ease and all by myself in my room. "   ( Fernando Pessoa, "The Book Of Disquiet" )

片断

河边。平冷的水面倒映着半边阴半边晴的天。落尽叶子的树木赤条条地向着行人。原先遮遮掩掩的河岸忽然宽敞明亮起来，以致路旁那个本来深藏的木台及其上相拥而吻的一对小青年，光天化日之下老远就可以看见。 看见也作没看见，老人择路而行，踢着满地枯枝败叶。


绿田远处那栋曾经令人向往的白色大楼。长走道尽头门外色彩灿烂的小市场。屋顶射进阳光的绵延曲转迴廊。最难忘一把拉住我手冲向海鲜店角落餐桌，身穿火红连衣裙的女郎，她坐在我身旁诱人的结实膝腿肥臀。


沿着斜坡走向河边。经过一幢幢小楼平房前院，树丛簇拥的绿草地与小花园。看起来最多百米宽的青色小河，笼罩着薄薄的烟。太阳无力地穿过灰濛濛的天空。河上有小驳船拖拽木排缓缓而行。水鸟野鸭在河边扑水寻食。沿岸那些门窗紧闭的公寓，像是在无声无息地窥视着眼前的一切：两个牵着小狗的胖女人在说话，一个少年坐在河边看台上翻着一本印刷精美的图册。


清晨。起身倚着床头合上眼睛，听外边的雨声。此时此刻，恍如身处当年泥草筑成的小茅屋：遮着柴帘的厚窗洞，炊烟熏黑的蚊帐，舖着麦草的板床，床前小桌上的煤油灯，它在耳旁散着微微暖气的火光。


太阳出来了。连日的积雪溶化了。屋檐下水管滴漏一整夜。冻人上街了。邻居兄妹出来洗车了。宅男宅女四处寻花问柳。八公八婆挤爆点心茶楼。山下水光粼粼的河边几里寂寞的路，怎么就未曾遇见个村上的四指女孩？